The Shock of The News — Breast Cancer Awareness Month Diary — Day #2
shesaid.so shares words by Eugenie Arrowsmith
I love writing and I promised The Breast Cancer Haven I would do this 31 day cancer experience blog. I worked in the music industry throughout both my cancer treatments, including two six month stints of chemotherapy and radio therapy. I was blessed to be supported by some great women, particularly Katrina Larkin who co-founded the legendary Big Chill Festival (and now creates co-working space at FORA in London) who supported me to work flexibly throughout my treatment. Not all women are so lucky. I’m a great believer in community and I want to reach as many women as possible to encourage them to hold onto who they are if they are facing similar challenges. It’s far better to stand together than stand alone. I’m also working on an epic piece of writing relating to my releasing music again after a few decades and my thoughts about the creative industries specifically the ways they impact women.
This was not supposed to be happening to me. I’d had a cyst removed right.? I didn’t have a tumour, I was part of the worried well? I had been tested before there was no cancer, how could there now be cancer? Brain fog, freeze ,panic all these things are happening at the same time, racing and freezing, racing, questioning, freezing. Swearing really loudly in my head, screaming obscenities and only managing to communicate a very cool “Oh” outwardly. Stunned.
The reality was clear to my Doctor the charming Italian who was sat there with a very discernible tear in his eye. At that moment his humanity was so clear I instantly forgave any need for anger or blame. The “why didn’t you find it sooner venom” just dissipated in this very striking moment of truth. I knew in that moment that the Doctor sat before me was feeling as if he had failed. He was also shocked to find out the ‘cyst’ we’d all been ‘monitoring’ for the last 10 months was actually a grade 3 fast acting cancerous tumour. Suddenly nothing was relaxed, there was an urgency to the situation I needed to grasp and a sense of palpable discomfort that the danger I was in had been missed for 10 months. I was unusual on scans apparently, my tumour had its own little sack and no tentacles, reaching out into other parts of my body which meant it was hard to spot for what it really was. I didn’t know if I should be horrified by this fact of delighted that yet again the phrase ‘unusual’ was being applied to me, some days there is a price to be paid for originality and this felt like a high one.
Looking back at this day in my life, it was a massive moment of change. Life was not going according to the script I had written for myself (finish my debut album and have another child). The randomness of it all was so hard to comprehend as no one in my family had ever had breast cancer. I’d lost a dear friend to it three years earlier and that was my only knowledge of the disease. Things had just taken a shocking turn for the worse in a single moment or had they?
The thing is our mortality is a fact that we and those that love us will have to face at some point. I just realised I’d been given a heads up and a reminder of my own mortality. I was truly shocked that my breasts could potentially kill me, that the baby feeders and my amazing 34D’s (that I was so proud of) were now so deeply problematic. I wanted to have a mastectomy then, as if breasts could kill I didn’t want them, but at that time the advice was more surgery to clear the area where the tumour was (something to do with 2.5cm margins), chemotherapy and then radiotherapy.
I’d arrived that morning at the hospital to have my ‘cyst’ dressing removed and was so relaxed about everything that I had brought my stepson and my partner with me. We had planned to go out to the park afterwards. I knew when I stood in the doorway and looked at the expressions on everyones faces in the consulting room that something was very wrong. I looked at my Doctor and the assembled nurses and said “Do I need someone with me?” and they said, “Yes”. That, as they say gave the game away but part of me still hoped they were wrong. I then had to ask the receptionist to sit with my stepson so his Dad could be with me. This instantly concerned him because children read atmospheres more than what you say and looking back my panic must have been palpable. I went in to hospital that morning not knowing that I would come out a cancer patient, who would agree that morning to a treatment plan that would end my chances of ever having another child of my own because there was no time to harvest my eggs, no more margins to negotiate just the need for speed.
The shock of the news is something hard to comprehend as every cancer patient will tell you. I can say now that it was a defining moment of my life but I would never say that it was not painful. I would advise anyone who suddenly finds themselves in this unenviable position to get as much support as you can and get the best advice you can. In partnership with my Doctors, The Breast Cancer Haven offer incredible support for women coming to terms with their treatment and diagnosis. Please support them if you can, donate link below.
Read on for Eugenie’s latest blog: https://eugeniearrowsmith.com/2018/10/11/born-to-be-alive-the-song-that-says-it-all-breast-cancer-awareness-month-day-11/
Read more of Eugenie’s blog series here: https://eugeniearrowsmith.com
